Stanquavious is an Unacceptable Name for Your Child

I work at a place where all I do is file. And I file lots of files that have names on them. And some of these names are normal, like Sarah, Robert, Kyle, and Hilda. Others are not. It seems some parents have lost their damn minds. Some of these parents like to name their children after places. Such names include Brooklyn, India, Houston, Virginia, Georgia, and Memphis. Memphis and Boston are examples of when this practice is not ok. That is just strange. And if you know where I work, you can guess the other demons the people with these names are living with and that is just an unfair combination. I can only assume that these places are special to the parents. Perhaps they are the location of where they got married, where they fell in love, or where their child was conceived. If the last is true, do not tell your child, he will be disgusted. Place names aside, there is an even worse devilment afoot. Some parents seem to just try to out-ridiculous each other. First, there is the unfortunate Stanquavious. This person is just going to be nicknamed Stanky. It is inevitable. And that is just mean. This name pattern is apparently quite popular as there is also a Quantavious and a Jankuavious. Good God. Other favorites from the file room include Gunilla, an obvious combination of the parents' favorite things: guns and vanilla; Billa, not ok for a girl living in the 21st century; and LaBruce, also not appropriate for a girl. In addition to these absurdities, there are also some first-last name combos that can cause you to black-out from shock, but I think it's in poor taste to display them on the world wide internets web.

I'd like to finish this post with a wish for the future. As bad as these names are and as sorry for their owners I feel, they are one of my only sources of joy in this tedious filing commission of mine. Therefore, I'd like to see something like this in the future: It is common to run across some Neveahs (Heaven backwards). How about some Legnas? Legna is a beautiful name, and she and Neveah could be besties.