Saturday, February 13, 2010

I Hate the Phone

When I was in college in Pittsburgh that time, I made this pact with myself that I was not going sit around waiting by the phone for people to call me and invite me along in their shenanigans. It always just turned out to be a major disappointment. Instead, for the last four years or so, I have always (or mostly) made the phone calls and organized my own social life instead of relying on other people. As a rule, I never rely on other people because they always always always let you down. There are zero exceptions. Or at least, I don't know anyone on a personal level who has not let me down before. I am not mad about these things, this is just life. I am a huge let-down myself, after all.

But after having a mostly disappointing winter season so far, I think I am going to stop making these phone calls. I started doing this in order not to be let down by the sting of exclusion from other people, but now, when I compare the volume of outgoing calls on my cellular device to the volume of incoming calls that are not my mother, it is even more sad than not being included four years ago. So I think I'm going to try a different tactic. You, yes all of you who I call every week to see if you want to get together and I don't think I've had the pleasure of seeing your names light up on my phone as an incoming call in maybe two months, I have gotten the message loud and clear. I will not bother you with my outgoing friendship anymore. I do apologize for the extreme annoyance I have clearly added to your lives. I know, you've been busy. I know, you are tired. Work out all these huge obstacles, and then, if you want to hang out, tag you're it. Your turn. Call me.

God, sometimes I hate people. I'm getting excited for when I enter my hermitage.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Awkward


It's awkward when someone you see at a party who knows your mother says to your father, "I love your wife!" Why, you may ask? Well, my parents are divorced and neither my father, the woman we were speaking to, nor I knew how to respond to this extremely charged moment. My dad and I were forced to drink an entire bottle of wine and eat sweetbreads at Craft in order to forget the whole awkwardness. God, what an awful evening! (This last statement is sarcastic, as I love sweetbreads, and none moreso than the ones created at Craft. I also like wine.)

Stanquavious is an Unacceptable Name for Your Child

I work at a place where all I do is file. And I file lots of files that have names on them. And some of these names are normal, like Sarah, Robert, Kyle, and Hilda. Others are not. It seems some parents have lost their damn minds. Some of these parents like to name their children after places. Such names include Brooklyn, India, Houston, Virginia, Georgia, and Memphis. Memphis and Boston are examples of when this practice is not ok. That is just strange. And if you know where I work, you can guess the other demons the people with these names are living with and that is just an unfair combination. I can only assume that these places are special to the parents. Perhaps they are the location of where they got married, where they fell in love, or where their child was conceived. If the last is true, do not tell your child, he will be disgusted. Place names aside, there is an even worse devilment afoot. Some parents seem to just try to out-ridiculous each other. First, there is the unfortunate Stanquavious. This person is just going to be nicknamed Stanky. It is inevitable. And that is just mean. This name pattern is apparently quite popular as there is also a Quantavious and a Jankuavious. Good God. Other favorites from the file room include Gunilla, an obvious combination of the parents' favorite things: guns and vanilla; Billa, not ok for a girl living in the 21st century; and LaBruce, also not appropriate for a girl. In addition to these absurdities, there are also some first-last name combos that can cause you to black-out from shock, but I think it's in poor taste to display them on the world wide internets web.

I'd like to finish this post with a wish for the future. As bad as these names are and as sorry for their owners I feel, they are one of my only sources of joy in this tedious filing commission of mine. Therefore, I'd like to see something like this in the future: It is common to run across some Neveahs (Heaven backwards). How about some Legnas? Legna is a beautiful name, and she and Neveah could be besties.